More things Ill never say

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Really? I mean contunine with what? Of you not talking to me? Of me waiting for you to talk to me first? Good riddance. I guess I wasnt that good in anything. Or important. I want to fight this time but Ive given up on trying to fight for something that we both know will not happen. But here I am with my hands up in the air saying I do not care anymore, do whatever.

It hurts

Adrians dad contacted me about a week ago telling me that he misses me again. I dont understand WHY he feels the need to tell me that. I told him that he needs to fix his marriage. But he told me that he really misses me and I havent hurt him as bad as his wife has. I dont understand. It makes me feel confused about everything. I want to be free of him telling me that he loves me and he misses me. Its been 3 years since he left. There is a sting when he says it. Id be lying if I didnt say I didnt love him but I do. He is my sons father. He was my first love. But I wont let him have control over me again. If he didnt have K, I would take him back. But he does have K and he is married to B. So.. I will never take him back. I am finally starting to be happy with myself.

Letter to you

_________, 

     You will never find this, or see this. But I am talking to someone amazing. I would love to message you on facebook to give you one more chance at a relationship with me. But you will ignore it. At this time it is whatever. I love horror movies, I love LoZ, I love harry potter, Im sorta a gamer girl... This is your last chance to speak up. Ive realized that Im waiting for you to come around again, and Im done doing that. This is your last call. 

Its still hard

To hear or see: I love you yvonne.

Every so often my ex will go through a couple minutes of saying how he wishes that we could have worked out and he loves me and yadda yadda.

This is what he said this time
You know one regret I have even though I love B and I thank god for K but I wish I would have tried harder to fix us back when I feel like Ive missed so much of his life. You know I awlays wanted to be a family with monk but so much happened I just gave up. I always will have love for you yvonne.

I had already been crying. And it just took me by surprise and I cried somemore. I didnt reply anything back to him, but I did write him a note that I plan to throw away.

C-
If you ever feel the need to tell me that ou love meor you wished life was differently please write it on a piece of paper and throw it away. Keep it to yourself. There is no reason to open a healing wound. If you are having problems at home - fix them. Change to save your marriage.

As innocent and nice that might sound, I know he will take it the wrong complete way. And flip out. I am done being a toy. I spent 6 years with him. Things werent perfect, I messed up. He messed up. He left me for B. He doesnt tell the story the same way. But.. I know it..

I wasnt even suppose to be with him around the time he left with B, I was suppose to be an army girlfriend and waiting for him to get out of bootcamp. But that never happened..

Looking back

I am in the process of getting pictures off of myspace [what is that? ahaha] and I am looking at pictures from the big blizard we had 3 years ago. And I kept on looking at adrian, and he was out in the snow in with no gloves on. And I was looking at things with Adrian and his dad, and I kept thinking wow... he was a great dad when we were together. I felt kind of guitly because he had no gloves on and me and his dad were in a very toxic relationship.... :( Sucks looking back.

Trying to be happy

So I found out that a good friend of mine is pregnant. I am over the moon for her. I just am a little bit envious  I guess of her. I know she is going to be happy. Its bitter moment.

Missing someone.

So I knew this guy for like ever. I dated him before I dated adrians father. Then when his dad made move out and we broke up. I got with L, 3 weeks after we had been broken up. Things between L and I were good. He was signing up for the army and he was going to basic. Then adrians dad got in my head and it caused problems with us.

I go back to him and that time, and I wish we could just turn back time. I know it's not possible but its one of those times where I was strong and I wished I could stay strong because I had a rock. And it was more than that. He cared about Adrian. I know I gotta move on.

It's times like now I'm kicking myself in thinking, I maybe had pushed the right guy away because I regret my past too much. I still have to have some kind of faith in everything and hope everything will work out for the best.